Love After Trauma

Author: A Dear Survivor
February 21, 2022

Merriam Webster defines the essential meaning of love as “a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person.” While that seems simple enough, after enduring traumas such as human trafficking, rape, abuse, etc., love’s definition becomes less clean cut. Love also begins to change shape after a traumatic experience like the ones stated above. For some of us, love becomes sleeping on the floor together, because beds are too much of a reminder of the things that have been done to us, and our bodies begin to seize up, leaving us unable to move – or sleep. Some of us can’t argue with our spouse because it’s a stark reminder of our past experiences and shutting down is the only way to cope. Sometimes, love looks like sleepless nights, wrapped in a weighted blanket and the arms of our spouse as we endure another anxiety attack that shakes us to the core of our being and leaves us sore, exhausted, and unable to communicate other than in soft whispers once it’s over.

The idea of finding love after trauma can be terrifying. While some of us had happier childhoods and others learned the feelings of abandonment from a young age, the one thing we all can agree on is that we can still feel the brokenness and betrayal long after we were wronged. For myself, my father taught me at a young age that I would never be good enough for any man to stay in my life, including him. I carried that with me for my entire life – admittedly, I still do – which led to continuous situations of abuse while accepting any “love” that may have wandered my way…because I craved being loved. When I found my husband, it was the most terrifying experience of my life, even more than the traumas I had already survived, because it was REAL love, it was POWERFUL love, it was a love that was kind and would never falter. What I didn’t realize was that this love would be the hardest for me to place my trust in – it was just too good to be true.

One of the first things I ask when I speak with other survivors is, “How did you learn to trust people again?” That question is often answered with a little smirk and a chuckle, knowing that’s a loaded question with a loaded answer. I ask them, mainly, because any advice I can get is valuable, but also because it truly is the one aspect most of us can relate to. Almost every time, the first sentence of their answer is, “it was really hard.” Then, I asked one survivor that loaded question, and she told me that her trust in God was so abundant that her trust in people was because of Him. She then wrote me a verse on the back of scrap paper about trust that I still hang in my home office to this day. Mind you, this incredibly strong, sweet, and wonderful woman had been trafficked and tortured after trusting in people, yet smiled the biggest, kindest smile I had ever seen and answered my question so confidently, there wasn’t a split second of time for her to even think about what she would say! I have to say, I was completely awestruck! How did she make it sound so easy!? Though I’m still working on the trust part myself, I have been blessed with a husband who is patient and kind, does not envy or boast, is not arrogant or rude, and whose love will never end.

After surviving trauma, love can “sometimes” look like many different things. However, for survivors and their spouses, love is always sitting through the highs and lows of a painful past that may never be fully understood. Love is always just being there for each other 100%, even when we may not be 100% ourselves, and knowing that is enough. Finally, love will always be full of forgiveness and overcoming any argument or situation without giving up!

Valentine’s Message

By Rebecca McDonald, Founder & President
February 10, 2022

Gruesome? Yes. Romantic? … Definitely!

What man restores the sight of a blind girl, the daughter of the judge who has called for his execution, and sends her a “valentine” farewell moments before being put to death? That is the story behind the annual expression of affection we know as Valentine’s Day. It began as a tribute to St. Valentine, imprisoned by the Roman Empire for many acts of kindness. Though his kindness resulted in a gruesome penalty, it illustrates a vital element of true love.

True love is the gift that expects nothing in return and does for others what no one else does. My favorite part of the legend is that he restored sight to a girl even though her father condemned him to death. True love—not puppy love, not blind love, but true love—does what is best for others. It restores vision and helps us see clearly.

Uncomfortable? Yes. Romantic? … Definitely!

A precious survivor, trained to be a ballerina, was trafficked as a child and later rescued by her daddy. When her future husband courted her, she pushed him away, saying, “You don’t want to love someone as broken as I am.” Wrapping her in his loving arms, he whispered back, “Yes, I do. That was not your fault. I love you just as you are.” In that safe embrace, she found healing, hope, and her voice. Today she speaks for WAR, telling her story to bring hope and healing to others.

When I asked her hubby, “What advice do you have for people dealing with survivors and intense trauma?” His answer was, “Patience. My wife sleeps on the floor. Beds are a trigger. I used to accept that and sleep on the bed next to her. Now I just sleep on the floor with her.” Those words melted our hearts. True love took him from a bed to the floor—hardly a comfortable life choice, but a loving one!

A Mother’s Love Raises Mighty Men

A little girl grew up wounded and abused. She found true love in a godly man, healed from her scars, and became a strong, determined woman of God. Together they raised three boys. She purposefully brought them up to be powerfully protective, loving, tender husbands and fathers. Before going home to heaven, she had one request: that funds given in her memory be used to help others find the healing she had found.

Her husband and sons came to visit me at WAR Headquarters. Their father smiling beside them, the three sons—now husbands and fathers themselves—spoke of their mom’s impact on them as they grew up, their voices becoming tender and gentle as they relived her story. As I listened, I saw the powerful effect of a strong woman raising strong boys to be mighty, protective men. As a mom, I had begged God to give me “eyes to see” and wisdom to raise strong yet tender men—men like my husband, who loves extravagantly and sacrificially. Now I sat in a circle of protective men like those of my own family.

As I fast and pray for funds in 2022, I am humbled and thankful for gifts that allow your donations to be doubled—and I am inspired by a tiny woman named Ann who heard me speak and was determined to change lives forever. Join her and others in helping the House of WAR establish emergency housing to provide shelter for women running from danger to safety.

Unconditional Love Gives Sight

As you read this, WAR partners are bravely walking the red light districts of the world with the message of unconditional love, the gift that asks for nothing in return. Night after night they faithfully invade the darkness, whispering, Come to the light. There’s healing and hope.

During our Circle Tours, we march into the most notorious red light district of Asia bringing gifts and a message of hope for women in captivity. We go with seasoned partners who will follow up with the women. One time in one bar alone, 24 women slipped notes to our partners with their phone numbers, paving the way for secret rescue.

During the Valentine season, these hellholes—not fun places to begin with—come alive with false promises of intimacy. Neither glitter nor neon lights nor darkness can hide the rats in the corners, the hollow look in the eyes of tiny girls, the lonely desperation of buyers, and the shrewd, calculating evil of predators who trade flesh for money, innocence for despair, and life for death.

Those who carry the Light of the World into such places have night vision: supernatural insight to cut through the glare and see others with God’s eyes. If you want to help, consider giving to our Outreach fund that allows us to distribute gifts and show kindness to those trapped in red-light districts throughout the world and here in the U.S.

Finding True Love

I can say from my own experience that a soul mate is the real Valentine. I watched my parents weather the valleys and mountains of life and stick together come hell or high water. When I found my perfect complement—my soul mate—I followed him around the world, and as a result, the House of WAR was established. My husband tells that story and many others in his new book, sold on our website. In chapter 5, as he tells “his side” of our love story, he says, A soul mate protects you from yourself. A soul mate won’t let success go to your head, failure go to your heart, fear go to your confidence, or loss go to your soul.

This Valentine’s Day we are apart once again as I speak and travel to share the message of WAR. We gladly give up this time each year to serve others with the unconditional love. This Valentine’s Day, ask yourself what act of love you can extend to those in need, to those little men and women you are raising, and to those who love you unconditionally. One thing is certain: giving is more blessed than receiving!

With Unconditional Love for Valentine’s Day,

Becky McDonald