He Loves Her More

Author: Erin, a survivor

Erin is a survivor of human sex trafficking. She was groomed and trafficked by a fake boyfriend in her teens. Thankfully, she escaped and is now married to a wonderful man.

This poem is a tribute to her husband, and how he loves her.

To the girl who’s triggered to sleep in a bed, too tired and weary to hold up her head.

Her angel casts down from the couch to the floor, the fear drifts away and he comforts her more.

Sleep should be peaceful, quiet and calm but to her it is nightmares and an evil realm.

But the floor brings the rock, the grounding, makes her in control of her surroundings.

Horrible things were done on those beds. The memories sink deep into the threads.

The mattress springs. The sheets suffocating texture.

She lays on the carpet instead and he just lets her.

She was forced to stay in the bed with a revolving line of men,
so now when it’s her choice she will never sleep again.

More than the comfort of the mattress he’s known his whole life, he chose to lay on the floor in the darkness with his wife, because he loves her more.

He could have chosen the fanciest bed, but he chose the floor instead.

After 10 years he still doesn’t complain of his backaches and pain.

From the bed to the floor for he loves her more.

Sound of Freedom – a child survivor’s input

Intro: Rebecca McDonald, founder & president of WAR, Int’l
Author: Pearl, a child survivor

As of mid-August, over 1,000 people have watched our “Sound of Freedom Movie Review,” the 4th movie we’ve done a private screening for. It’s unprecedented We listed praises & cautionary tales. Good news? Americans really care about the horror of child trafficking in the Land of the Free.

A child survivor, Pearl, the real expert… wrote:

“I’ve seen the movie 2 times & knew it’d stir up memories/emotions I haven’t been able to deal with. When I watched Rebecca (Founder & President of WAR, Int’l), the tiny child in me started weeping. I just wanted to reach out to her & really any of you! Ya’ll seem to “get it.” I’ve never had that “vibe” from anyone. Thank you. Also, I appreciated the positive & negative aspects presented.

As a survivor, I want to say a couple things. I know you are a safe place to do that. Coming from an era where NO one cared about child trafficking (in my world anyway), it really, finally is sinking in that some men CAN care, ARE doing something to help children & not just sadistically use them for their own perversion. What a revelation! I hadn’t realized I’d feel so strongly about that!

On the negative, it upsets me when it appears that once children are rescued, their hell is over, no trauma & baggage. It feeds the lie others try to get me to accept that we SHOULD just be able to let it all go, get over our sweet self & quit acting like it affected us negatively. PTSD, trauma brain, reactions, relationship issues, dissociative identity disorders, etc. are all weaknesses we should just be able to control. So, it’s our weakness & fault that we don’t. I’m not trying to imply healing isn’t possible. I KNOW it is. My life is in a better place than I’d ever realistically imagined. It’s just getting started. I’m excited to see where it’s going. But it takes more time & work than people realize & don’t want to know.

Nowadays, with places like WAR, good therapists & therapies…it DOES happen easier & quicker. No doubt I’ll have some regret once I hit “send.” Thank you WAR, for the support. It makes such a difference to feel as if I’m heard & respected by good people!”

Picking Up the Pieces / Unchained

Pearl is a survivor (and learning to be thriver and joy based) of sexual (and other) abuses throughout her childhood that began while she was still in diapers. She was essentially sex trafficked for several years from the age of 3 or 4 years old and was also forced to participate in child sexually abusive material during that era. Following is her bio in 7 stanzas.

Picking Up the Pieces / Unchained

Staring into darkness, watching shadows fall,
empty heartbeats echo down the dark and endless hall.
Starry dreams are crumbling, crashing quietly to the ground,
only to be trampled on then yearning to be found.

Fractured psyche, broken trust, leaving only fear,
Shredded heart, silent screams, crying without tears.
All the times, all the lies, all the damned illusions –
‘Loving’ people cast my chains with all their damn perversions.

Where’d it start? Who can tell? Does it really matter?
The time has passed, it’s moving on, having left the tatters.
And now’s it’s time to let it go, drop it to the floor;
Do what it takes to stop the bleed, blocking out the core.

So dark descends and night has come to take me in it’s folds,
And deep inside now I know there’s nothing left to hold.
That one way mirror finally cracked, a million tiny pieces
Perhaps in time, a two way mirror may rise from all the pieces.

In time came marriage masquerading as love,
for his dysfunction called to my self-loathing.
And when God’s whisper became greater than the threats,
I let Him lead me out. It was time to mend.

Been picking up the pieces with much hope, tumult and doubt
Just trying to figure out how to make it all count.
Mosaics have beauty when they’re put together right
and Stained glass glows gently if it forgives the night.

Years go by and hell still lingers, imprinted in my mind,
but something greater has displaced its stature and I find,
Faith holds on ‘til Grace declares: “They will NOT win, I prevail”.
Their chains are breaking because I’m learning, I AM worthy. LOVE prevails.

I can’t thank You enough, Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

Is Happiness A Choice?

Author: A Dear Survivor
April 12, 2022

    This, I Believe

Over 10 years ago, NPR had a radio show called “This, I Believe.” This segment focused on written essays from listeners who were stating their stance on something they believed in. It was incredibly inspiring, but it also encouraged listeners to broaden their point of view to hear and understand someone else’s opinion. Below, I’ve written my own “This, I Believe” statement about something that can often be considered controversial:

    Is Happiness a Choice?

Having been a circle of protection to survivors of sexual and physical abuse, human trafficking, and other traumas, I believe happiness is a choice. Persevering against the odds stacked against them, these survivors have risen from the ashes because they chose to invest in their own happiness. One recurring observation I often hear when a survivor publicly shares their story is: “I would’ve never known they were a survivor because they’re just so full of joy!” Every morning, these individuals wake up and are haunted by their horrific pasts. They are faced with the decision of whether they are going to choose to linger in the darkness of their trauma or whether they’re going to choose the warmth of happiness – and by no means is that decision an easy one.

It is incredibly easy for anyone who has endured trauma to any extent to linger in those dark corner shadows where they won’t ever have to face what’s keeping them there. But the choice to be happy? That choice is one of the most difficult ones they have to make on their healing journey. When a person chooses to expose all those dark and scary places, they prove that they’re no longer afraid of what awaits when they open the drapes. It’s like when spring finally comes after a long winter, and they can finally open the windows, let in the fresh air, take a deep, cleansing breath, and allow themselves to begin sweeping up the settled dust and cobwebs.

I personally went through my own healing journey from the years of trauma I endured that resulted in multiple mental health concerns. After one final breakdown, where depression and anxiety left me on the ground, a shattered mess of hopelessness, questioning if I was strong enough to keep going, I realized that I needed to play an active role in my recovery to find true healing. It was no longer enough for me to solely rely on my weekly therapy sessions and my prescription medication. With the help of my therapist, I found it was most beneficial to start every morning making the conscious choice to choose happiness and appreciate the little things around me. I opened my eyes and found joy in the turkeys and deer as they walked through the backyard, in the sunrise over the golden cross that stands glowing high above the Cathedral on my drive to work, and in the sunsets as the burnt orange rays of warmth came streaking through my bedroom window in the summertime. Maybe that’s more of a testament to my personal growth, but similar practices are mirrored in the courageous and strong individuals I’ve had the honor of knowing and loving. Surely, if a survivor of something as horrific as human trafficking, torture, assault, etc., can open their eyes and choose their own happiness every morning, anyone can. This, I believe.

Love After Trauma

Author: A Dear Survivor
February 21, 2022

Merriam Webster defines the essential meaning of love as “a feeling of strong or constant affection for a person.” While that seems simple enough, after enduring traumas such as human trafficking, rape, abuse, etc., love’s definition becomes less clean cut. Love also begins to change shape after a traumatic experience like the ones stated above. For some of us, love becomes sleeping on the floor together, because beds are too much of a reminder of the things that have been done to us, and our bodies begin to seize up, leaving us unable to move – or sleep. Some of us can’t argue with our spouse because it’s a stark reminder of our past experiences and shutting down is the only way to cope. Sometimes, love looks like sleepless nights, wrapped in a weighted blanket and the arms of our spouse as we endure another anxiety attack that shakes us to the core of our being and leaves us sore, exhausted, and unable to communicate other than in soft whispers once it’s over.

The idea of finding love after trauma can be terrifying. While some of us had happier childhoods and others learned the feelings of abandonment from a young age, the one thing we all can agree on is that we can still feel the brokenness and betrayal long after we were wronged. For myself, my father taught me at a young age that I would never be good enough for any man to stay in my life, including him. I carried that with me for my entire life – admittedly, I still do – which led to continuous situations of abuse while accepting any “love” that may have wandered my way…because I craved being loved. When I found my husband, it was the most terrifying experience of my life, even more than the traumas I had already survived, because it was REAL love, it was POWERFUL love, it was a love that was kind and would never falter. What I didn’t realize was that this love would be the hardest for me to place my trust in – it was just too good to be true.

One of the first things I ask when I speak with other survivors is, “How did you learn to trust people again?” That question is often answered with a little smirk and a chuckle, knowing that’s a loaded question with a loaded answer. I ask them, mainly, because any advice I can get is valuable, but also because it truly is the one aspect most of us can relate to. Almost every time, the first sentence of their answer is, “it was really hard.” Then, I asked one survivor that loaded question, and she told me that her trust in God was so abundant that her trust in people was because of Him. She then wrote me a verse on the back of scrap paper about trust that I still hang in my home office to this day. Mind you, this incredibly strong, sweet, and wonderful woman had been trafficked and tortured after trusting in people, yet smiled the biggest, kindest smile I had ever seen and answered my question so confidently, there wasn’t a split second of time for her to even think about what she would say! I have to say, I was completely awestruck! How did she make it sound so easy!? Though I’m still working on the trust part myself, I have been blessed with a husband who is patient and kind, does not envy or boast, is not arrogant or rude, and whose love will never end.

After surviving trauma, love can “sometimes” look like many different things. However, for survivors and their spouses, love is always sitting through the highs and lows of a painful past that may never be fully understood. Love is always just being there for each other 100%, even when we may not be 100% ourselves, and knowing that is enough. Finally, love will always be full of forgiveness and overcoming any argument or situation without giving up!